Who calls the shots in your relationship?

There is a saying I heard frequently when I was growing up. Translated, it says, “A gourd with a base supports itself.”

When I got older, I learnt the meaning of the saying, which is: For you to have stability, you need a good, solid, sound base. The saying contrasts two types of traditional gourds — one with a narrow rounded base that was usually hang or propped against a wall, the other with a wide base and which could, therefore, stand on its own.

If you apply this to relationships, you will realise that there are many couples whose relationships survive by leaning or hanging on a “wall” because they have no support base. What does this mean?

Consider this hypothetical scenario. Two young people are struggling in their relationship and seek the help of a counsellor.

The counsellor listens as the young man complains about the influence their parents have on their relationship. The wife too is displeased with the role their parents play in their relationship. In her case, she is resentful that they (especially her husband’s parents) do not support them enough.

Further inquiry reveals that the couple, who are in their late twenties, got married while still in college after the girl became pregnant. Their parents agreed to support them. That support, however, morphed into control and as each set of parents attempted to exert their influence, they created disharmony in the couple’s relationship.

The current challenge is, while the young man has decided that it is time to become independent and politely ask their parents to stay away, his wife appears unwilling to sever the umbilical cord and be free of their parents’ control.

Though this story is made up, the fact is that there are relationships that are controlled by third parties. There are several ways of dealing with this matter.

Is it a problem?

First, there is a need to identify this external influence as an issue that needs to be dealt with immediately. Only then can the couple begin to work towards finding a solution.

Identify the root of the control

In the case above, the root is the couple’s dependence on the parents — financial and emotional. In other relationships, it could be that those influencing your relationship do not provide any kind of support, but are demanding on you in various ways. These could be family members, religious leaders, and even former partners. Such control is usually due to the nature of the relationship between the couple or one of them and the controlling person.

The question to ask here is: Why do you depend on this person? What do you get from them that would be difficult to forego for the sake of the relationship?

This will only work if you are brutally honest with yourself.

Initiate the break

This is the hardest part, but if the preceding steps are taken carefully, it can be managed. It might mean foregoing some benefits you have been getting from the controlling person or severing friendships.

It also calls for open dialogue between you and your partner to come to a common agreement. From the saying that we began with, this is the process of setting up a base that will enable your relationship to anchor itself.

It is my submission that the benefits of this process far outweigh the pain and loss that may come as a result.